


It's Not an It

by vinniebatman



Series: Atlantis Antics [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 06:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinniebatman/pseuds/vinniebatman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Weir returns from an emergency meeting on Earth with a group of newcomers not even the Wraith can prepare SGA-1 for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not an It

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
> Warning: This is crazy all, mindless crack. Just... cracky crack crack. That's all I have to say about it.

SGA-1 (plus Carson) sat in the mess hall, eating their lunch in silence. It was a tense silence, a brooding silence. In fact, it was a tense, brooding silence. The previous day, Dr. Weir had been summoned to Earth for an urgent meeting of an undisclosed nature. They had no idea when she would return. That, including the relative peace of the past week, caused imaginations to run wild.  
  
"Is it possible she is being reprimanded?" Teyla asked. John shook his head.  
  
"Nah, they usually cover that up by calling the meeting a 'performance review.'"  
  
"Maybe the want to replace her," Rodney suggested, a sudden look of panic on his face. John's heart skipped a beat at the thought of a change of command. After all, a change could mean a military leader, and a military leader wouldn't ignore John's relationship with... never mind.  
  
"No, they wouldn't do that, I don't think," John replied. "I think all the countries like having her in charge here."  
  
"Perhaps it's a cover, and she's really quitting," Carson offered with a frown.  
  
"Maybe someone died." The occupants at the table froze; Ronon's idea made sense; the kind of sense that makes one feel stupid for thinking of other things. After all, the death of a loved one isn't really something you can just tell a person through an intergalactic communique.  
  
"Gate room to Sheppard. Dr. Weir is returning, please report to the gate room with the rest of your team." John tapped his earpiece and responded.  
  
"They're here with me; we're on our way." He turned his earpiece off and looked at his team. "She's back."  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
The puddle jumper moved out of the event horizon and into Atlantis. It would have been impressive and awe-inspiring if everyone hadn't already seen it countless times. The hatch opened, and Elizabeth walked out. Her brow was furrowed, her expression vacant. Slowly, she walked away from the jumper. John, Rodney, Teyla, Carson, and Ronon looked at each other, their expression inscrutable. Well, Ronon's was inscrutable. John, Rodney, Carson, and Teyla's expressions were scrutable and easily translated into WTF?  
  
They quickly followed her down into the conference room. McKay, Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, and Beckett quietly sat down, with Carson the closest to Elizabeth. They sat, tense, as they waited for their leader to speak.  
  
"Well? Are you going to tell us who died?" Rodney asked plaintively.  
  
"What makes you think someone died?" John asked.  
  
"Because it makes sense! Besides, she looks like she's in shock. You're in shock aren't you?"  
  
Elizabeth nodded.  
  
"See, I told you! Somebody died!" Rodney declared with a snap of his fingers.  
  
"No you didn't, Rodney. Ronon figured out that someone died," Carson pointed.  
  
"Wait, who died?" a voice yelled from the door. The group that had previously been focused on their mute leader turned to face the new arrivals. They stared, blinked, then continued to stare at the four people that now stood before them. There was a tall, dark haired man with an eye patch, a blond man with glittering blue eyes, a willowy girl with long brown hair, and a curvaceous, sensual brunette.  
  
"When did we get a pirate?" John finally asked. The brunette man at the door rolled his eyes.  
  
"Boy, that was an original joke. I've never heard that one before." The young man shook his head, then moved to sit down. The blond sat by Rodney at the end of the table. The man with the eye patch sat between the blond and the young girl, while the leather-clad woman slouched at the end.  
  
Teyla raised her eyebrow. "I have not seen you on Atlantis before. I am Teyla Emmagan," she offered, inclining her head. The young man offered her a genuine smile before speaking.  
  
"I'm Xander Harris. Well, it's really Alexander Harris, but people only say that when I'm in trouble, so just call me Xander."  
  
"I'm Faith, and I'm here for the ass: hopefully to kick some and get some," the curvy woman said with a smirk.  
  
"I'm Dawn," the thin girl offered next. "Um, I'm a Gemini, a graduate student at Oxford, and I like peanut butter ice cream with salsa."  
  
"What? What does that have to do with anything?" Rodney sputtered. "And peanut butter ice cream with salsa? Are you retarded?"  
  
Dawn opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by a low growl. All eyes focused on the blond man. "You ever speak to the Bit like that again, and I'll rip your spine out," he growled, "and only after I've finished stripping the flesh from your bone."  
  
Rodney's eyes widened as he inched his chair away from the psycho beside him. "My, that was vivid."  
  
"Who are you people?" Carson finally wailed. "Why are you here? And what on Earth is wrong with Elizabeth?"  
  
"Oh her? She's been like this since the meeting at the SGC yesterday. It's kinda creepy," Xander said. "Apparently living in the lost city of Atlantis, in another galaxy, while fighting creepy space vampires, doesn't prepare you to learn that demons, witches, and magic are real. You'd think it would, but it doesn't."  
  
"What? That preposterous!" Rodney yelled. The newcomers looked at each other.  
  
"Okay, who's turn is it?" Xander asked.  
  
"Not me," Faith muttered.  
  
"Not me!" Dawn yelled, quickly followed by Xander's repetition of the same words. Silently, they all turned toward the blonde man.  
  
"You're turn, Spike," Dawn grinned.  
  
"His name is Spike?" Sheppard snorted. Spike gave the Colonel a sarcastic grin. Then, to the amazement of the Atlanteans, the man's facial bones rearranged with sickening crunch. His brows became pronounced, his eyes turned gold, and fangs appeared in his mouth.  
  
"Very enlightening explanation, Spike," Faith snorted.  
  
"What in the hell is that?" Rodney shrieked, stumbling out of his chair.  
  
"It's not an 'it,' it's a 'Spike,'" Dawn corrected. "And if you want to get technical, it's Xander's Spike."  
  
"Hey! He is not my Spike!" Xander shouted indignantly. Faith let out a smoky laugh before speaking.  
  
"Come on, X, he's totally your Spike."  
  
"Oi, I'm not his 'anything!' If anything, he's my Xander!" Spike retorted.  
  
"That isn't helping, Spike," Xander moaned. Dawn grinned maniacally.  
  
"See, Spike admits that Xander is his!" she crowed.  
  
"He's not my anything, other than the pain in my arse!" the vampire snarled.  
  
"Maybe that's 'cause you guys need to use some lube," Faith snickered.  
  
"Everybody shut up!" Xander screamed. "Let's leave our butts and my... whatever out of this! We are here to represent the council and save the universe, not to discuss my sex life!"  
  
Everyone stared in silence.  
  
"Okay then," John smirked.  
  
"See? They're totally fucking," Dawn said, her head angled toward Faith.  
  
"You don't have any proof," Spike pointed out. "Not like those two," he added, nodding toward John and Rodney.  
  
"Proof, what proof?" Rodney asked, his voice pitched. Spike shrugged.  
  
"I'm a vampire, mate. I have bloody fantastic sense of smell, and I can smell you two all over each other." Smirking, again, he turned towards Dawn. "Now those two are definitely sha-."  
  
Xander slapped his hand over Spike's mouth. "Hey Spike, this is 'don't ask, don't tell' time. So don't tell!"  
  
Faith laughed, started to speak. "Look, all those bad stories you heard are pretty much true; demons and monsters are real. I'm supposed to fight them and sometimes I get dreams to help me out. Lately, I've been dreaming about your space vamps, so Will did her research thing and came across your Stargate program. So I got sent here with the three stooges as backup to figure out what the hell is going on."  
  
Ronon turned to Sheppard. "You said vampires were a myth."  
  
"Wow, you have an awesome voice," Dawn said. Her eyes were glued to the large Satedan, a dreamy smile on her lips. Ronon looked at her, frowning.  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes. "They are a myth. This guy is just some sort of alien or something. Some sort of rogue Go'uld."  
  
"Is that why you won't sit back down?" Faith asked. Rodney looked at her, then began to fiddle with his watch.  
  
"No, I just don't feel like sitting, that's all."  
  
"Can you prove it?" Ronon asked.  
  
"What, that he's a vampire? Easy," Dawn said. "Just try to take Spike's pulse. He doesn't have one. No heartbeat, no breathing; he's a corpse. A demonically animated corpse, but a corpse none the less."  
  
Carson took a deep breath, stood, and walked over to Spike. Reaching down, he gently placed one hand over the vampire's heart, and one on his throat. After a few minutes, Carson paled and turned to Elizabeth. "I see your point, Dr Weir."


End file.
